My Own Steps

Location: A.A. Meeting
Feeling: To be honest, a little bloated.
Question: "Am I really only at step 2?"

This coming Sunday marks three months sober, which is the longest I have been sober since I began drinking. By far. True, drinking was not a part of my life for as long as others, and it might not be as impressive as for those who make it there after drinking for years and years, but hey. I'm still proud. An addict's an addict.

In treatment I went through step one EASILY. But I find myself having difficulty with steps 2 and 3. For most people I know, these are the easiest steps, because they already have a religious background or were previously spiritual in some way. This is not the case for me; although my father was raised Catholic and my mother Lutheran, neither of them continued their religion or expressed it in our family. Sure, there was Christmas, but I can't even remember the last time I've gone to church.

Ok, I lied. I do remember. I remember hating it because I was young and immature, being forced to go to Sunday school. The thing I hated was the fact that I was forced to wear a nice dress...one I thought looked like a messed up picnic cloth. That's all I could focus on too. I learned nothing. I admire those who are so dedicated to their higher power, but I've just never been one for that myself.

Even when I was given my assignments for treatment, one of them was to read about spirituality, because I was "lacking". Any awakening? Nope. I tried, I opened myself up to ideas. The closest I've ever been to religion or spirituality besides that was in my college Intro to Islam course. And now all I'm able to do is pick at politically incorrect muslim jokes. Joy, now I'm officially a buzz kill.

For those who are able to achieve these steps, I congratulate you and give you each 5 golden stars. For those who can relate, and I'm guessing a good number of younger addicts can, it's all in time. If I were to try and explain my idea of a high er power, I would settle with the energy of the world. No I am not one of those "Woah, you have a red energy now, sorry to piss you off" people, and I don't think random items like lamps, rubber ducks, and dildos have their own spiritual energy (unless you make an energizer bunny battery joke, then the dildo's energy goes on and on). But the people of the world certainly do, and everyone's energy varies. We are each other's own higher power, I think. As a whole, we are creators.

See? You can tell I suck at the whole spiritual thing. I tried.

For MY sake, I would LOVE for someone to write about this if they once went through similar struggles. That would be nice; I could use some pointers.